The Universal Cookbook
by Omega799
Summary: Introducing the must have guide for every supreme being! Learn how to create, maintain, and destroy your very own universe! Not for Christians who will be offended. Rating may change in the future. R&R.
1. Introduction

Disclaimer: I don't own the Bible. God does. But, since God doesn't actually exist, so the Bible doesn't really belong to anyone. Not including the people who bought the revised King James version at Borders or on eBay. Or religious figures such as the pope and the bishop. In other words, this disclaimer is pointless and pretty much here for humor.

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Introduction

Congratulations, reader! You have in your hands the must-have book for every supreme being! We will teach you, step by step, every lesson that all gods should know, from how to create your giant ball of earth and water, to how to destroy it.

Some acts in this book may represent prejudice, abuse of power, etc., but the beauty part is, no one will notice! And those who do notice will be disregarded by those who don't! But be forewarned: If you actually want to be a nice, loving, impartial god, drop this book and get some tips from Buddha. But if you want to be a respected, all-powerful god, this is the book for you. Capisce? Okay, then let's get started.


	2. Make Your Own Giant Ball

Chapter 1: Make Your Own Giant Ball of Earth and Water

So you've decided to make a universe, and this is the chapter that will tell you how. We'll start with square one, shall we? Fill out the names of everything you're creating as you go. We'll magically fill it all in throughout the rest of the book. After all, we're gods, too.

Step 1: Create your planet

That pretty much says it all. But don't bother putting it into any specific shape just yet. We'll handle that later.

Planet name: _Earth_

Step 2: Create your heaven

Make a pimpin' crib fo' you and ya homies to chill. Okay, sorry, that was really bad. So basically, this heaven will be an invisible place where you and your angels will dwell for the rest of eternity. And people will go there when they die.

Step 3: Create light

The light is so you can actually see Earth and...ahem...admire your work. This is also where you come up with some magic words. Something like "lirrosinac" or "karstani" sounds really sweet and works well. But "Let there be..." does fine, too. Especially if you're not a particularly creative Creator.

Magic words: _Let there be..._

Step 4: Divide the light and the darkness

And name them both. The light you could call "daie" or something, and the darkness could be called "nyte" or something similar.

Light: _Day_

Darkness: _Night_

Step 5: Create a wall

After the first day and the first night (call the whole thing a day, too), put a wall between your heaven and Earth. 'Cause you don't want people coming into heaven when they have no business being there, do you?

Step 6: Shape the planet and create land

On the third day, get Earth into some sphere-like shape so that your creations aren't just floating around. And make some dry land. Don't ask why, just do it.

Step 7: Create plants

Trust us, you'll need 'em later.

Step 8: Shape the lights

On the fourth day, make a big light for the day and a smaller light for the night. I bet you were waiting for that. You must be blind with that light having no shape for so long. Oh, and make the stars, too. Actually, scratch that. The stars are already made. Just take the credit for it.

Day light: _Sun_

Night light: _Moon_

Step 9: Create animals

A _bunch _of animals. Walking animals, flying animals, swimming animals, animals that eat plants, animals that eat other animals, etc. And make about 300,000 species of beetles. This will take place on the fifth and sixth days.

List your animals: _I don't have near as much time as God to write this all down, and I'm sure you don't want to read it, so I'll skip it._

Step 10: Create man

On the sixth day, once you're finished making animals, look in a mirror and make a man that looks like you. Only smaller. After you, this man will have control over all the animals.

Step 11: Create woman

You don't wanna bother creating _every _living being on Earth, so create females so that the animals themselves can multiply.

Step 12: Examine your work

Did you do a good job? Is everything good? If not, get rid of everything and repeat the process. If so, continue on to the next step.

Step 13: Rest

It's the seventh day, and you've finally created your universe. So give yourself a pat on the back, grab a beer and the TV remote, and relax.


	3. Punish Your Creations

Chapter 2: Punish Your Creations

You may have noticed that the last chapter was a little long. This is because creating your world is one of the most complicated steps. But now that you have that out of the way, most of the other chapters will be shorter.

So something went wrong in the creation process and your humans, despite your warnings, followed Satan. This happens frequently and results in all the humans in future generations being born with original sin. This means that they will be prone to doing very naughty things. So you need to punish those who follow this tendency. This is very simple: Leave the punishing to Satan. He knows how.


	4. Handle Anomalies

Chapter 3: Handle Anomalies

So something _else _went wrong, and the humans have developed an undesired trait: they're starting to get the hots for their own gender. But this was not brought about humans; it was your fault. You have three options:

1. Admit your mistake

This would be dumb. If you admit that you made a mistake, you suggest that you're imperfect. Who wants to worship an imperfect god?

2. Blame the book

This is even worse. If you blame the book, you suggest that you need a book to Create, which means that you aren't professional.

3. Blame the creations

This is the most logical choice. You kill off the main city of the homosexuals (own-gender-attracted humans, also known as gays) and make sure that society belittles those left. Also, make them think that if they live homosexual lives, they'll be eternally punished.


End file.
